With another day passing I find myself pondering some new things that seem to have come into my life. I'm pretty sure that it is a result of these prayers. While I am hopeful I am also concerned.
First the concern. I am susceptible to scruples. My sins, bad as they are, would lead to more guilt than was healthy. And in turn this would lead to stress. Which led to more sin. At one point a poor priest had to break me out of the sin/confession cycle by banning me from Reconciliation for a month. This turned out to be the best advice I could have gotten at the time given my circumstances.
Keep that in mind when I say I have become more aware of my sins. One the one hand, it is a blessing to see how far I have to go. On the other hand, this awareness can turn into a preoccupation/obsession very quickly.
Having said this I truly am finding a growing awareness of not only where I can improve, but also places in my life where my discipline is improving. I'm more aware of the clock when I should go to bed, and acting on that rather than ignoring it. I've done some small cleaning in our apartment. Tiny changes but noticeable.
I'm also finding that I am more aware of God’s presence outside of prayer and Mass. Usually in tiny moments but my mind seems to be more reflective and aware each day.
Tonight (Sunday) will hopefully be more of the same. Though I have concern that I may get into some bad habits of scruples again. This I will continue to monitor.
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