Monday, January 14, 2013

Dominican Prayer Day 11

I'll confess I've had some anxiety over the last two days.  Not during the Second Way, but after.

As I mentioned last time I have a susceptibility toward scruples.  And for a long time have had to train my mind to avoid such.  This in turn I have felt has led to some growth in some areas but not in others.

So now I am attempting to incorporate how unworthy I am to receive Christ back into my psyche.  To really embrace it and at the same time to integrate that with the knowledge that God loves all of us.  God loves me.   And ultimately my salvation is up to Him.  I simply have to say yes.

This realization is hard for me to internalize.  I understand it intellectually.  But internally I still rely on my own power to correct my behavior.  It's all about the control, yo!  Also there is my usual "If I'm not stressing about it I don't care enough!!" mentality.

I know ultimately the devil tries to cause us to despair.  He uses the truth that we are fallen to cause us to doubt God.  Thus my anxiousness is a result of his attacks on me.  Trying to cause me to fall back into the depression that I once suffered from.

This time is different however.  I feel God's presence more and more.  Little by little I have found my awareness increase.  My decisions are slightly different.  I find myself a little more disciplined every day.  Hope continues to me more justified rather than just blind.

Here's hoping for victory.

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